Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's not you. It's me.

Dear Terra Nova,

This sort of letter is never easy.  I guess I could start with, I think you have a great personality.  You do!  You're interesting and easy on the eyes, but there just seems to be...something missing.

When TV Guide set us up, I think we were all sure that this would be a match made in heaven.  You are a cheesy, sci-fi, TV show.  And I LOVE cheesy, sci-fi, TV shows.  How many times have I seen V (the original, not that recent mockery of a remake)?  And you are chock full of dinosaurs.  I can't even remember how many times I saw Jurassic Park in the theater.  Lots.  I love dinosaurs so much that I have even seen Jurassic Park 2...more than once.  That's how much I love cheesy sci-fi and dinos.  And then there's the fact that you're created by the same guy, who had quite a lot to do with Star Trek Enterprise...the guiltiest of my cheesy, sci-fi, guilty pleasures.

Yes, we all thought that this would be perfect. 

But I think we're just at different times in our lives.  I mean, let's be honest.  You seem to be looking for a serious connection.  But I'm so busy, that all I've got time for is a light, half hour, quickie.  And if I am going to devote a whole hour, well, it had better be mind blowing.  I'm talking BSG caliber...great acting, great stories, and it had better look GOOD.  And I'm sure that your acting, and stories are good... for some people, they're just not for me.  I know you're asking, "But Star Trek Enterprise!  Surely if you liked that, you must be into me?!?"  What can I say, Enterprise and I just had that special something.

So Hot.
And as for looking GOOD.  You certainly have nothing to worry about there.  Come on, the hotness is a little more than I am capable of handling.  But again, you push with your serious relationship.  I mean, your hottest character...and I'm talking the hottest thing I've seen on TV since Joel McHale played naked pool on Community; he's that kind of hot, and you've got him tied down in a serious relationship.  I don't want my hot guy living in marital bliss, happily settled down with his equally hot wife.  No, I want my hot guy troubled and distant, so afraid of relationships that it's enough to sustain at least 4 seasons of sexual tension (maybe take a little lesson from X-Files)  You've taken all the surprise and heartbreak and the waiting, waiting, waiting out of it.  Boring!

But let's talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?  Perhaps your acting and stories would be better if you didn't have so many kids.  Come on!  Three kids, two of them teenagers, and the teenagers have teenage love interests, and then last week there were two more kids.  We all know what great actors kids make.  Especially TV, kid actors.  Let's not kid ourselves (hee hee), you've got no Dakota Fanning, no Growing Pains Leo DiCaprio...I just don't think I'm ready to see, let alone commit to some one who has so many many tragically, awful, acting kids.

I'm sorry Terra Nova.  I'm sure that special viewer is out there somewhere, desperately hoping to meet a show just like you, with your dinos, and hot dad.  But I think for now, I'll stick with my DVDs of Battlestar Gallactica.  Robots, and Jamie Bamber, and all kinds of baggage!

Best Wishes,

TV Math