White Rabbit Syndrome

Remember that Year of Balance I was going for? Well I have made some good changes, and failed spectacularly at others. Some things, I find, will just be forever and always out of balance.

I cannot go to bed on time. And I cannot wake up in the morning. I will hit the snooze button countless times. On all three alarms. Yes, three alarms. Needing to leave the house at 8:35AM to catch my bus, I will always be rushing out the door at 8:38AM, and consequently always running to catch my bus.

In fact, my bus driver has noticed my nearly ritualistic morning dash. He asked me if I was transferring from another bus, and I lied and said yes. I couldn't stand the shame from his accusatory stare if I were to tell him that I just have trouble getting out of bed. And also, I think if I told him the truth, he would be less likely to wait for me when he sees me running. I can picture him driving off, leaving me in the dust, maniacal laughter swirling amongst the bus exhaust, as he curses me, "Just get up 5 minutes earlier!"

So in trying to break my habit, I have learned that I am a creature of habit. I am habitually late. Constantly three minutes tardy. Perpetually unpunctual.

Perhaps this is the answer to my snooze button issue.

Balance: Week1

Recap: January's project is establishing routine, which currently entails going to bed and waking up at the same time, and also shooting for 8 hours of sleep.

Progress Report: I have no trouble with the evening portion. In fact I rather enjoy it. At 9:30 I stop what I am doing and tidy up the house, get ready for bed, and I'm usually reading or knitting by 10, if not a little after. As long as I am physically in bed at 10, I can do whatever I want (within reason), and I find that after about 30 minutes I'm ready to hit the hay.

Morning is a different story. Monday and Tuesday were fine. Monday I woke up at 6 intending to go for a walk. It was raining. Instead of falling back into bed I did yoga...success! It was very nice. I felt rejuvenated and awake all day. But problems started Wednesday and on. I can't seem to stop hitting that damn snooze button. I even put my phone(back-up alarm) in the kitchen and still managed to completely ignore it. This morning my cats had even abandoned me. Usually as soon as the alarm goes off they are in my face...but today those little ingrates were nowhere to be found.

I'm a little perplexed. I am getting plenty of sleep.
7 to 8 hours. Perhaps I am one of those fabled people that needs 9 hours. I shall experiment, in the meantime, does anyone know how to disable a snooze button?

Phase II starts tomorrow wherein I tackle the dreaded weekend nap. Eeek!

Balance

¹bal·ance

Pronunciation: \ˈba-lən(t)s\

Function: noun

1 : an instrument for weighing: as a : a beam that is supported freely in the center and has two pans of equal weight suspended from its ends b : a device that uses the elasticity of a spiral spring for measuring weight or force
2 : a means of judging or deciding
3 : a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence
4 : an oscillating wheel operating with a hairspring to regulate the movement of a timepiece
5 a : stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis b : equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements c : equality between the totals of the two sides of an account
6 a : an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements b : the juxtaposition in writing of syntactically parallel constructions containing similar or contrasting ideas
7 a : physical equilibrium b : the ability to retain one's balance
8 a : weight or force of one side in excess of another b : something left over c : an amount in excess especially on the credit side of an account
9 : mental and emotional steadiness

Paying particular attention to definitions 2, 5a, and 9; this word will be the driving force of my year. I find that while I am mostly happy in my everyday life, there is room to be happier. And the happiness that eludes me on those certain days seems to stem from being wildly out of balance. I either go full tilt or sleep the day away. I'm either a miser or a spendthrift. Desperately morose or obnoxiously cheerful. There is no middle ground. Moderation is not my middle name.

Well, hopefully all that will change. Taking a cue from my friend Autumn, I plan to focus on one area of my life every month. January being the month of routine, I mean to go to bed at roughly the same time every night, and wake up the same time each morning. It also means no more snooze button, and a moratorium on weekend naps. EEEK! Well, maybe not completely, I can nap on Saturday, but not Sunday...this is the year of balance after all.

I'm really looking forward to this, I'm ready for a challenge and a project. There will be false starts I will stumble many times, but this year isn't about being perfect. This year is about finding the in between; the balance between the best I have done in the past, and the best that I can do. The balance between the child that I sometimes am, and the adult I should probably start being.