Happy New Year?

Checked off the life list in 2010:

-race in a triathlon
-go whale watching
-sing at kareoke
-go to law school

I am a resolution maker.  I find something cleansing and invigorating about starting fresh.  But this past year clings to me like a dead weight.  For some reason 2010 felt so challenging to me.  It still feels challenging, like I'm trying to shake off the phantoms of a year that didn't go quite the way I wanted it to.

For one thing, looking back at my life list check marks for 2010... there just weren't that many.  And some of you will say, but you're going to law school.  And, yeah, that's big, and maybe if I enjoyed it more, I would feel some sort of accomplishment in it.  But right now it's an everyday struggle to remember why I'm going in the first place.  So it's more ho hum than wa hoo.  And I want to hold out hope for a better semester, a better year; but it's tough when a wallow in the mud of self pity feels so much better than picking myself up by my bootstraps.

Carrie and Trish say that it was the tumultuous year of the Tiger that has us all feeling just that little bit off kilter.  I want to believe that, if only push away my own responsibility in not trying hard enough.

Just Two Things

Of the many, Many, MANY things I have crammed into my brain in the past 3 weeks, one thing sticks out as being the most sanity securing idea ever...
Pick two things that you enjoy that you want to continue doing during law school, and continue doing them.

When I first read that I thought, don't be ridiculous, I'll have time for more than two things. Um...further reflection leads me to say, no, not so much the case. I'm not speaking in hyperbole when I say I have put more effort into the last three weeks than I did my entire freshman year of undergrad. I'm not sure if that's depressing or simply a testament to my seriousness about this lawyering thing. In any case, it's a lot of work, and this is just one class.

But even with just one class, I realize the importance of balance. Are we seeing a bit of a coincidence with my self-professed year of balance? (while not widely reported on, a huge success on most accounts)... I spent the entire first half of this year working on balancing myself to get ready for this "adventure", and I'll be damned if I give up on it now. The last three weeks may have careened wildly out of control but I chalk that unbalance up to, working & school, out-of-town visitors, and basic terror. I've got three more weeks of class, and then three weeks of freedom before it starts for real. I plan to get the equilibrium back.

And based on what little I have learned at this point, I say that one of the things I'm not giving up...reading...I will continue to read for pleasure. There's not going to be a lot of pleasure reading, but there are few things in the world that bring me as much joy as reading, and I think giving it up would be a severe detriment to my sanity.

The other thing I am not giving up is a little more intangible. Me... I'm not giving up myself.

These last few years; in Seattle especially, I feel like I've really come into my own. I know who I am, what I want, what I like, and what I don't. Maybe it's cheating, because there are a lot of things I can roll into the idea of not giving up myself, but I'm gonna try. Using the balance I have tried to perfect in the past few months, I will not give up juggling, knitting, puns, Battlestar Galactica, playing with the cats, blogging, cooking, laughing, running, friends, journaling, trying to garden, James McAvoy, discussing Harry Potter, naps...I will not give up the things that make me, me.

Sounds like a tall order? Well, if all goes as planned, you'll be able to mark my success in future blogs.

Balance

¹bal·ance

Pronunciation: \ˈba-lən(t)s\

Function: noun

1 : an instrument for weighing: as a : a beam that is supported freely in the center and has two pans of equal weight suspended from its ends b : a device that uses the elasticity of a spiral spring for measuring weight or force
2 : a means of judging or deciding
3 : a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence
4 : an oscillating wheel operating with a hairspring to regulate the movement of a timepiece
5 a : stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis b : equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements c : equality between the totals of the two sides of an account
6 a : an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements b : the juxtaposition in writing of syntactically parallel constructions containing similar or contrasting ideas
7 a : physical equilibrium b : the ability to retain one's balance
8 a : weight or force of one side in excess of another b : something left over c : an amount in excess especially on the credit side of an account
9 : mental and emotional steadiness

Paying particular attention to definitions 2, 5a, and 9; this word will be the driving force of my year. I find that while I am mostly happy in my everyday life, there is room to be happier. And the happiness that eludes me on those certain days seems to stem from being wildly out of balance. I either go full tilt or sleep the day away. I'm either a miser or a spendthrift. Desperately morose or obnoxiously cheerful. There is no middle ground. Moderation is not my middle name.

Well, hopefully all that will change. Taking a cue from my friend Autumn, I plan to focus on one area of my life every month. January being the month of routine, I mean to go to bed at roughly the same time every night, and wake up the same time each morning. It also means no more snooze button, and a moratorium on weekend naps. EEEK! Well, maybe not completely, I can nap on Saturday, but not Sunday...this is the year of balance after all.

I'm really looking forward to this, I'm ready for a challenge and a project. There will be false starts I will stumble many times, but this year isn't about being perfect. This year is about finding the in between; the balance between the best I have done in the past, and the best that I can do. The balance between the child that I sometimes am, and the adult I should probably start being.

Out with the Old

Last day of 2009. My main resolution of the year was to stop procrastinating. I think I did okay. Seeing as how I started studying for my September LSAT in March and got 8 of 10 applications out before December. But also ran around like a fool while I continued to procrastinate on less important matters. Maybe I need the pressure to function. Who knows?

It was a busy year with trips to Arizona and Nebraska. My parents, Jilly, and Andrea each came for visits. I saw The Killers in concert. Took the LSAT and applied to schools. Read 79 books. And much more.

I also knocked off 5 things on my life list, including...go backpacking, learn to juggle, and throw a Cher-themed party.

I have dubbed 2010 "the year of balance," in which I bring...well, balance to my life. More on that as it develops.

This One Goes Out to Carrie Glover

Blech, blech, blech. And a ho hum for good measure. I know, I know. My blog is unbelievably boring at this juncture. Most of you probably aren't even checking it anymore. But I promise, be steadfast. The posts will become more frequent and more interesting on Sunday, September 27th.

irony...

I procrastinated on my New Year's Resolution which was in essence, to stop procrastinating. Now, I don't know. It's so negative. The whole idea of resolutions is negative. Think about the things you don't like about yourself, and change them. I'm all for change, it's just dwelling on the thing you hate about yourself, and then in mid February when you haven't lost ten pounds, or you haven't quit smoking, or you haven't saved one million dollars and you feel lousy and a total failure.
Well, this year I aim to change. Instead of focusing on the negative, I will focus on the positive. Particularly the positives that I accomplished last year and the positives I look to accomplish this year.
I have a life list, a list of things I want to do before I die. Last year I knocked a few off the list...
*learn to knit
*vote for someone who wins the presidential election (someone I like)
*run a half-marathon
*build a full size snowman
*go to a movie alone
*move to Seattle
When I look at it this way, instead of wallowing in the things I have yet to change, I marvel at all the wonderful things I've done. So, stay tuned to see what new things I cross off my list.